Question 22: What medical issues have you had to deal with throughout your life? 3. Mens.

Nancy's friend Bridget does a blogpost every Friday called "Outsourced" where she lists things that she likes, or hates, or that are noteworthy on the internet for that week. The last one, October 16, she had this delightfully mindblowing Swedish video, and I think that Andrew was maybe the person who told Bridget about it.  Well, in case you have not seen it, you should, so here you go:

(If you, like me, need to know more details about things like this, Alex, the star of this video, is
one of the hosts for Swedish television channel Barnkanalen, and you can read more about him and this Mens, mens, mens video here.

The timing was perfect, because I was thinking about the biggest health challenge of my life, that I didn't particularly want to write about, because, as Alex informs you, periods are NORMAL and good, a sign that your body is working correctly. Except maybe not.

My periods were Horrible with a capital H. And actually, many if not most of the females in my family share with me this lovely, enviable trait. When I was in Junior High, I could plan on missing a week of school every month. Because not only was I "cramping" but I got to have diarrhea and vomiting and to lose copious amounts of blood. Like if I walked, it would be running down my legs. If I sneezed, it would be gushing. I was back to needing a towel or pad of some kind in my bed, like for a child who wets the bed, except this was blood. And lots of it.

I was delighted to learn to use tampons because then I could wear a tampon AND a pad, and then maybe, just maybe, not leak ALL THE TIME. Only part of the time. Needless to say, I hated periods. I thought, who was the idiot who thought of this? My mother took me to the doctor to find something that would deal with the pain, and as I took stronger and stronger pain killers and they didn't work, I realized that pain killers only mask pain, they don't take it away, but they do make you lose lucidity. So eventually, I just took nothing and learned to grin (grit my teeth?) and bear it.

My periods were so bad that when I had my first baby, and the doctor said, "You will know when you are in labor because it will feel like nothing you have ever felt before" and then I had the hardest time with labor because really, how bad did it have to get to be like nothing that I had ever felt before? I know that Nancy struggled with the same issue on her first baby. Because trust me, periods are as bad. Depending on the baby, periods could be worse. Because sometimes after only ten hours of labor or so, you are finished and you get a baby at the end, whereas period pain at the same level of intensity can go on for days, and there is no prize at the end.

One day, when I was older and resigned to the interruption in my life that periods were, Dr. Wolfe said, "Did your mother take any medication when she was pregnant with you?" And I asked my mom, and she said she was on medication for the entire pregnancy, because she was in danger of losing me. She was actually on bed rest the entire pregnancy...which is probably what saved me, not the medication.  And that medication was DES. So I learned at about age 20 or so that I had been a DES baby.  This was a drug given to women threatening to miscarry that did not actually work, but that did wreak havoc with the reproductive organs of the babies. And there is evidence that some of the problems also appear in second generation. My mother felt sooooooo bad about that. It was not her fault; she just followed doctor's orders. One of the many reasons why I am pretty anti-medication.

Still, other people in our family had a hard time with menstruation even though they were not DES babies; the DES just added another layer of complication.

Anyways. I am all done with that, and have been for a long time. I did not write it down, but I was not yet fifty when I had my last period. That is young, and a doctor I went to once was concerned about that, and she wanted to see if something was wrong with me and get it started going again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That was not something I wanted back, thank you very much, and if there is something wrong with me that is stopping that prematurely, stop away is what I say!

Thinking about all that mens, mens, mens, reminded me of a song I heard on CBC radio once. I know right where I was when it came on the radio. I was sitting at the light at the one-way bridge in Port Coquitlam--the one on the little narrow short-cut road. And more than twenty years later, even though I only heard it once, I can still sing the chorus:

I'm hurtin', I'm achin', I'm menstruatin', don't touch me, just leave me alone!
I don't want to make love, and I sure won't make supper, till these cramps are gone, gone, gone, gone.

In this internet age, I have looked for that song several times, to find out who sang it and to hear it again, hear what the verses are like--but no sign of it.  So, with it freshly in mind again thanks to our Swedish friend Alex and his video, I searched yet again. Yet again, nothing.

So yesterday morning, I decided to write to the Canadian Music Centre and see if they could find it for me.  I sent an email that said this:  
I am trying to find the lyrics, sheet music and/or recording of a song I heard on CBC Radio in about 1991-ish. I lived in Port Coquitlam B.C. at the time. I heard it on CBC only once, and I remember that it was a Canadian singer/songwriter, but I have no clue who. I have tried to google it--nothing. I still completely remember the chorus--pretty good, eh? for only hearing it once.

The answer came back from one Stefan, with MLIS and MMu after HIS name. A HIM. Gaah. (I wanted a girl to answer!) He said:

Hello,

Thank you for your message. This might be a difficult search, but I'm willing to give it a try if you provide me what you remember of the chorus.

All the best,

Stefan

I got that message from him at 11:50 AM.

I wrote back a bit abashedly, sharing the lyrics that I remembered.

He wrote back at 12:06 AM. SIXTEEN MINUTES. And he said:

Hello,

I found it -

It's 'The Menstrual Blues' by the Welfare Starlets. Here it is (in a collection) on WorldCat.

http://www.worldcat.org/title/welcome-to-the-machine-2-a-sampler-of-manitoba-music/oclc/60434170

And here is the original album on ebay:

http://www.ebay.ca/itm/The-welfare-starlets-underground-CD-1993-Made-in-Canada-/281419507463

Unfortunately, I can't find a downloadable audio recording.

All the best,

Stefan

I wrote back and said: A) Thank you. B) You are good! C) You are fast! Well, I did not write it like that, but holy cow! I am a good librarian, but he was somewhat amazing. And long story short, that ebay CD is on its way to the Harold B. Lee Library. 

So, yes, I would say that challenges with mens, mens, mens, was huge in my life. It kind of messed with making friends--hard to plan anything, since my periods were pretty much on their own schedule which was not a 28 day cycle. It was a whenever it wants to cycle. And since I was absent from school a lot, I think that was a contributing factor to my best friends being my sisters and cousins. A contributing factor to not very great friendships. And I was so not dependable for like school projects and things like that. And another contributing factor to sucking at PE more than I already did on my own without THAT, too.

And honestly, when I hear of boys/men who want to be girls/women, I am like, "Really? Why? You have NO CLUE."

BUT, one very positive thing about this particular health challenge: it did make me one tough cookie. So that is a good thing.